what people don’t know is that i was there. i held her hand as she took her last breath. i watched my own mother deteriorate and crumble because of cancer. i fell to the floor that day. i couldn’t breath. and then i went home, and i slept. i slept more than i had in a year. but i also changed that day.

in a few weeks will be the pancreatic cancer walk. something i intend on taking part of because it took a part in my life.

i wish she were still here. there is so much i would love to say to her. so much that i would love to do with her. i want her to see me succeed in schooling and i want her to see me get this promotion. i know i would have made her proud. i wish someone would say that to me. i wish someone would say “karli, your mother would be proud of you.” but i think its safe to say that shes not on anyone’s mind except for my sister’s and mine. maybe as well as her brother’s and mother’s. but no one close to me. no one here.

On another subject past my mother, a lot has happened since the beginning of summer, when i last wrote on here. i have a 3.6 GPA. The new promotion and a very lovely new boyfriend.

Nate Meyr, we haven’t been dating long but my god, you’re incredible. I miss you every moment I’m not with you and i just want to be with you 24/7.

i started school again. and i haven’t talked to him in a long time, which i’m happy about because he was unhealthy for me. he’s disturbing really. but whatever. i’m happy with who i have now. the most incredible man i’ve ever met.

working at TJ Maxx again has been a bore. but whatever, it’s money, so i’m not complaining.

SCHOOL IS ALMOST OUT! sooo stoked for summmmerrrr <3

so i broke edge. i drank. and no, i dont care. it was my choice. what does it matter to anyone? im not hurting anyone by doing so, so back off. it’s not like i’m gonna go insane. i’m a smart girl. so everyone back down.

but i want it to work. SO badly, more than anything.
i’m so scared.

so, i’ve been doing amazingly well not thinking about someone.
he doesn’t seem to exist much. sure, there are those moments where a random image or memory pop into my brain, but i don’t dwell on it.
i do wish we were on good terms. i always with that for someone i had feelings for. i don’t like having them just out of my life all the sudden.
but i won’t bother him. he doesn’t seem to care so why should i?

on another note, got a job. TJ Maxx for the third time. i swear, once you’ve worked there, you keep getting sucked in. it’s like never going to stop.
but i now don’t have to stress about getting a job.
i am stressed however, on the fact that my psych grade is not up to my high standards. ugh. i’m gonna have to end up taking it again.

there is another thing that has been keeping me rather sane.
and he is simply amazing. i literally have never had someone pay so much attention to me.
i love it. i know, sounds awful, whatever.
he’s adorable and sweet and kind and a bunch of other good things too!
but i’m afraid of relationships right now.
i wish i could give him what he wanted. i’m sorry for being selfish. but i just don’t wanna hurt him. hmmm. so confusing!

thats pretty much it for now.

title: set your goals

<3~

&&

Ever since we had a “thing” back then, and I ran away because of what you told me, I’ve been kicking myself. When you were dating Travis, I kicked myself. I thought to myself “you’re a dumb fucking idiot for letting something as precious as her go”; and i’ve never forgiven myself. And now I have a second chance.

I feel cleansed, cleansed of all the ills I have committed in my past, to you, to other people, to everyone. Now that I have a second chance, I’m not going to let it go. I’m going to cherish you forever, and I’m going to never let you fall from my grasp. I plan on keeping you locked tight in my heart for as long as I possibly can, even if it means I lose everything. As long as I have you, I don’t need anything else. I could watch mountains crumble, and I could watch nuclear weapons wipe apart cities, as the world fell down around me, desecrating everything in hellish orange fire, as long as I had you in my arms. And I swear to you this is true, on my very last breath. Your name is Karli Lynea Adam, and you’re mind. I wouldn’t trade that for any amount of money or anything in this world.

i feel stupid for letting that one go. =/

title: i see stars

HAVE THE BALLS TO BREAK UP WITH ME PROPERLY FUCKER.

you by far are the worst thing that ever happened to me.
i date you and my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE WENT DOWNHILL.
then you leave me saying shit like:

“cant date because of religious differences”
“i cant be in a relationship right now”
“i have to focus on my bands”

LOOK IM FUCKING SORRY MY MOM DIED AND IM SORRY I GOT ALL DEPRESSED AND SHIT AND IM SORRY YOU COULDNT FUCKING BE A MAN AND HANDLE IT.

fuck.

anyways, so this guy is like my best friend only kinda more than that. he’s such a sweetie. he barely left my side and is always conversing with me.
ha, he even wanted to stay home from school because his phone is broken and he can use his ipod to text me at his house. hahah.
i convinced him otherwise. i just don’t think i’ve ever had someone want to do so much for me without wanting anything back.
it makes me confused, for sure, and a little weary, but i’ll keep my guard up just in case. hahaha.

so, i’m probably going to work back at TJ Maxx again.
i think it’ll be nice because it will bring me back to a familiar point in my life and i’ll know almost everybody and i’ll know how to do almost everything.
as long as i don’t get stuck in that ridiculous dressing room all summer, i’ll be pretty good with the job.
but its so weird, because i hated that place before, but i think i’ll still hate it. but i think it’ll be good for me because it will keep me so busy that i won’t think about things.
and i’ll be back in my familiar settings, around town of course, and it will be close to me when i move.

i find it hilarious that my aunt thinks that i will be living here for any amount longer than necessary. as soon as i have the funds to move, i’m out. along with my sister.
i cannot wait to have a sense of freedom yet responsibility. haha. its just, ah, so exciting to me. i’ve always been sort of independent and i just want to be out on my own, living by my own rules, doing my own thing, without having to answer to many people. my mom always wanted me to be able to do these things too. she knew that i would be better off on my own. that’s why she told me her idea of me living with my aunt for a while and then moving out with my sister and being on my own.
i also hate when my family, who thinks they know me, tell me how to live my life.
my aunt thinks that i waste money and such. my grandma butts into my business like no other. it just annoys me.
i’m done with people thinking they can tell me what to do when they aren’t my parents.

ha. done with that rant! =D

title: tickle me pink

this cracked me up:

You really need to stop farting around on MySpace and Facebook and do something more productive with the amount of time you spend crying over what has happened in your past and the extensive amount of surveys.
the funny thing is, i do a lot of things that are productive of my time. i just got let go from my job, but i’m searching. im working on homework and studying my religion. i don’t cry or anything about what’s happened in my past. and i certainly have not done an extensive amount of surveys in a long time. i think i’ve done three in the past two days. so dude, if you hate it, delete me. don’t fucking complain to me about what you don’t like about me. just delete me. its no loss to me. trust me, i’ve lost the one most important person to me. the only other two losses i couldn’t handle would be my dad and sister. other than that, i’m not loosing anything. so just back off and leave me alone.

oh, btw: i spent two years of my teenage years taking care of my sick mother. always being productive, always working for our money, always taking care of my younger sister, which i still do, working hard in school and putting off friends and other fun things to take care of her. i’d still be doing it had she not died. so excuse me for taking a break off of life and trying to get my brain working. maybe fucks like you should do something more productive of your life instead of worrying about what i do with my life.

i’m done with relationships for a while. it’s what i need. i need to be free.
sure, i’d like a guy to cuddle up with sometimes. but i’m done with seriousness and love for now.

i actually hung out with one of my best friends today. and it was great. i missed her so much.
she’s such a super person, and she manages to make me laugh all the time.
its so interesting too, to find out that most of the same things happening to me right now are happening to her as well.
so we are going through shit together! it’s cool that we never fought. we’ve always gotten along. i love it.

i’m just so excited for the next few months. haha. they’re going to be great.
oh, i saw the movie she’s outta your league. SO CUTE! i loved it. and it was so funny.

well, i’m glad i’m in a grand mood! <3

title: all time low

so i went to colorado springs the other night, and went to this church thing and met a bunch of awesome people and had so much fun.
im going in a few weeks again to party and go to another church thing. it’s helped me out so much. i’m just a million times happier and i cannot wait. this is what i needed!

so my REALLY great friend asked me to his prom because his date bailed and i actually volunteered myself, because i think it will be a ton of fun and i’m just super excited. haha all of my other proms were kinda duds, no offense to the dates reading this! =P

FUNNY THING: sam is REALLY annoyed that i’m going with this kid to his prom. WHY? i dont know. he broke up with me. and this kid is my friend. haha. someone is jealous. but he’s too proud to admit it. so whatever. his problem. not mine! haha =D i love that i feel this way now. haha.

sure, sometimes the loneliness thing creeps up on me, but other than that, i’m gonna be okay. actually, i’m going to be GREAT. i’ll do it. haha.

title: four year strong.